Hmmm... what to think?

Cancer is a funny thing because it makes you rethink just about every single aspect of your life.

• Should you forgive?
• Should you move on?
• Should you write a book?
• Should you live dangerously because life is short?
• Should you live carefully because life is precious?
• Should you eat whatever you want to make yourself feel better?
• What do you want in your future?
• What do you want now?
• How do you feel?
• Does this certain situation matter?
• Who cares!

These are just some questions and thoughts that run through my mind on a, pretty much, daily basis. One thing that I thought about quite often in the beginning of this mess, is about forgiving people. And I think that's a pretty serious topic.

But what I've realized is this: you must surround yourself with people who love you and people whom you love. These people are here for you without cancer and with cancer. They support you, ask how you're feeling even when you're fine. Want to know your dreams, your thoughts, your fears. They laugh with you, they cry with you. They're just always there.

So, just because you have cancer, and your life takes a huge, dramatic, crazy change, you are still you. No matter what. And hurt, distrust, and the feeling of insincerity never goes away.

I cherish my family and my friends. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

#24...somehow just not enough.

Interesting day today. When I went to bed, I was excited. This week is my last week of radiation and I felt very rested from an extremely relaxing weekend in the Poconos. I was ready to take on the last big chapter!

When I woke up at 5:55am, I knew the day wasn't going to be that easy. My head hurt. My body ached. My radiated breast and underarm burned. And my heart and mind were racing. Plus, I awoke too early. I still had about 15 minutes to sleep!

I layed in bed, trying to think about good things: what Nate was up to...what Mommy was dreaming about...how it was so amazing to see the girls from college this weekend...and then my mind kept racing and I was falling. Into a negative space that I couldn't get out of.

Thinking about how this past year has been, all the shit I've gone through, how my body is not the same, my hair is gone, my skin in ruined. I got in the shower, hoping that would make me feel better, but I started crying. I couldn't stop.

Finally, I sucked it up and remembered that I'm stronger, smarter and actually more beautiful than I ever have been in my life. This change has brought on happiness in my life and I am so thankful for all of that. Still uncomfortable, I put on a shirt and Nate's cardigan and got ready to head into the city on the bus.

Due to the state of my body, I knew I wouldn't make it into work...so I emailed my team. After curling up on the seat, I slept a bit and arrived safely at Port Authority. A little delirious, I got a cab and headed up to the second to last radiation. But my body was still aching!

After session number 24, the tech's took a closer look at the radiated area and told me I should go see the doctor. Though the side effects are normal, they're pretty harsh and very uncomfortable. After having 3 gel pads placed on the area, I headed out and down to Nate's to rest.

After about 30 minutes of watching "Bridezillas" to keep my mind off the hurting, I called my gynecologist about a checkup that I needed, but couldn't remember when it was scheduled for. Well, it was today at 9:30am.

So, at 12:30pm I headed back up town for a missed appointment. This checkup, you ask? Well, to check if the "spot" they found on my ovary in July is in fact normal.

Don't you just love those glorious internal ultrasounds? And when the radiologist asks you random questions and you can't know WHY?? So, I'm trying not to freak out and to continue to think positively. I just hope my little egg carriers are doing ok down there.

I'm finally back at Nate's, hanging by myself watching some TV, trying not to think. Today has been quite a down day and I'm just not sure how to get myself out of this slump. I know I will, but it's tough today. So many things unanticipated.

I miss feeling normal.

Time to Live Again!

Half way there! Radiation is almost half way over. Can you believe it?

I've been seeing the same patients in the office almost every day and have begun to be very friendly with some of the women. We share our horror stories, but also our successes. The one woman, Joan, is the cutest. I just found out yesterday that her grandkids call her "Mema!" I almost started crying when she said that. As much as Mema was the way she was, I really miss her. I can't believe she hasn't been here for all of this. When things were bad, she was always there and helped us through. I just wish she could have met Nate.

So, 12 down, 13 to go. You really know you've had enough treatments when the receptionist can finally pronounce your name correctly!

On a personal front, so much has been going on. Work has been keeping me busy, which has been really fun. I love working on Garnier.

Speaking of... did you want to hear about my trip to the Hamptons and my encounter with Sarah Jessica Parker this past week? Well, the shoot went well. My team is amazing and my clients are great. And working with SJP was such a good experience and so surreal in a way. The night before I left for the Hamptons, I was trying to pack thinking: How do you pack knowing you are going to meet SJP!? When most of the clothes you buy are because of what SHE wears (as Carrie Bradshaw).

It's just so funny to see how a character that you feel that you know so well, is so incredibly different as a real person in real life. When I got to meet her, we chatted briefly and I congratulated her on her new babies and her face just lit up. It was really cute.

Then, the day after the shoot we headed home on the "Luxury Liner" and my co-worker, Christy and I sat right next to one of the Housewives of NYC. She was very beautiful in real life, but a little stingy when it came to her seat. Ha.

Overall, this cancer thing is becoming a memory. I catch myself in the mirror and still don't expect to see my hair so short and just can't believe this has all happened...but my hair is growing back at a ridiculously fast rate. So much so, I may need a trim around my ears! Plus, my eyelashes are getting long too. Slowly but surely, I'm getting better and looking less like a "cancer patient." When I went into the cafeteria at Sloan Kettering the other day, the woman who works there actually asked me if I was a patient or an employee! And that's at the cancer hospital!! That's pretty awesome.

The radiation treatments are bearable. Side effects have yet to really kick in. They say I will get really tired toward the end, and that I will have a sunburn-like redness to the area that has been radiated. I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but I can certainly handle that!

As I'm writing my blog, I'm listening to Pandora and one of my favorite songs just came on that seems to be a bit relevant to how I've been feeling lately.... "Times Like These" by the Foo Fighters...."It's times like these, you learn to live again!"

It's so true...with each passing day, I'm becoming healthier and learning to live again knowing that I have wonderful, caring people in my life whom I treasure, and thank God for everyday.