Today, on the bus

On the bus on my way into work. So much going through my mind. It's raining outside and I have my earbuds in and I'm listening to Solsbury Hill on my ipod. Somehow, this song makes me feel bright and hopeful like things are getting better and clearing up by the minute. I think its very important to have music you can turn on that makes you feel that way. Making you feel unafraid of what's up ahead.

I'm sitting in the bus reflecting on what's happened this last year. And really what's happened leading up to this time in my life. The childhood drama of a sad and angry small-town divorce, deaths in the family that changed lives and left empty hearts, watching those you love dwindle away from the very disease I have conquered.

The heartbreaks, the failed love and funny dates. And then all that's good! The birthday parties, the little league games and college drinking fests. Making best friends, getting new jobs and falling in love. Being able to watch your family get closer through the hardest and scariest time in your life. Then, watching yourself go through an emotional and physical transformation before your very eyes. First comes the new breasts that fill the cotton surgical bra that are too raw to be seen. Next are the scars, the scary lines that cross what used to be precious and quite exquisite assets! Then the deep ragged scars under my armpit. My very clear newly chemo-tested skin, then the short haircut in preparation of what's next. Next comes the shaved head and finally the bald scalp with a familiar face underneath. My eyelashes are missing and my head is actually shiny. And finally the resconstructed breasts that looks similar to all that's natural and perky, but not quite. Because ultimately its not mine. It was manufactured to replace my very own body part like a prosthetic ear or something.

And here I am now after all those physical changes on my way to work sitting on a bus surrounded by people with their very own stories. I'm here in the moment with all of this behind me. The heartbreaks, the challenges and joys.

I think of all of the people who have really been involved, and those who have not. Those who left my life almost 10 years ago and were never able to share the heartbreaks nor the celebrations. They simply made a choice and took a different road. Someone once told me to always do the right thing. Deep down everyone really knows what that is. That same person told me to be nice to everyone, and to choose a path carefully because it could shape my life. I couldn't agree more.

I may not have always chosen the easy road, and may not have experienced a smooth sail, but I wouldn't change any of my choices. Because I know in my heart I'm exactly where I should be with the people I love most and those who love and care for me right back.

Happy October

It's definitely October. Not only can you smell and feel the crisp, fresh air and see the colorful red and orange leaves falling, but the pink ribbons and Breast Cancer support is everywhere!

Well, I just want to give a special shout-out to my college roommates from Maryland who ran a half-marathon and half-marathon relay in support of not only breast cancer awareness, but Loving Kara. Take a look at the picture from Colleen!!

Also, back in September, my friends Ariana and Jason along with my friend Cara (whom I worked with at my first agency job), participated in the Susan G Komen run/walk in Central Park. Love you guys!!!

Kara Update

Wow. It's been quite a while since my last update. I've had so many friends come to me and say they enjoy my blogging and I feel so honored! Thank you!

I promise to try and spell check better (Sue!).

As I sit here watching football, I thought I should update you.

Lots has happened since my last entry and the entry before really. I've been working full time (beyond full time actually), been running back and forth to Nate's and my mom's, traveling to christenings, weddings and doing walks supporting Breast Cancer. However, it was this past week, that my body told me to slow down or I'll go down.

I've been on such a high these last couple weeks. Knowing that radiation is over, my body is on its way to healing, my life is getting back on track, and my hair is growing at an extremely fast rate. I even got my first haircut!! (see below for a pic with my hairdresser back in P-town).

Mentally, I've been tricking my body into thinking that if you believe you are fine and can do all the things you used to do, your body will handle it. Well, I was wrong.

This past week, day by day, I started feeling utterly exhausted just walking out of the subway. The next day, I couldn't catch my breath at my desk. The following couple days, I planned on going back to Pequannock, but couldn't find the strength to get to Port Authority. I stayed at Nates every single night last week. I didn't mind because I love spending every moment with him, but that's not what I was supposed to do. I was "supposed" to feel good enough to go back home, see my mom and hang with my sister. By Thursday evening, I was crying to Nate in the hallway, simply breaking down. By Friday morning, I should have gone home. My producer came over to my desk and asked how I was feeling. I couldn't stop the tears.

I told her was tired. I was scared. I was just simply exhausted and worried about my health. Her and I hugged and cried together. She's a great lady.

This weekend became a bit of a bummer for me. I had plans to visit my girls down in Maryland while they were doing a half-marathon/relay for me for Breast Cancer. My plans (as of Thursday night) were to head down and support them. I simply couldn't make it.

So Nate and I came back to Jerzzzz and hung out, watched "Couples Retreat" and vegged. It was exactly what the doctor would have ordered.

Now today, after sleeping in until 1PM, I'm here watching the Giants beat the crap out of Oakland (yey!), trying to relax, destress, and just update all of you on what's been going on in my little world.