Today, on the bus

On the bus on my way into work. So much going through my mind. It's raining outside and I have my earbuds in and I'm listening to Solsbury Hill on my ipod. Somehow, this song makes me feel bright and hopeful like things are getting better and clearing up by the minute. I think its very important to have music you can turn on that makes you feel that way. Making you feel unafraid of what's up ahead.

I'm sitting in the bus reflecting on what's happened this last year. And really what's happened leading up to this time in my life. The childhood drama of a sad and angry small-town divorce, deaths in the family that changed lives and left empty hearts, watching those you love dwindle away from the very disease I have conquered.

The heartbreaks, the failed love and funny dates. And then all that's good! The birthday parties, the little league games and college drinking fests. Making best friends, getting new jobs and falling in love. Being able to watch your family get closer through the hardest and scariest time in your life. Then, watching yourself go through an emotional and physical transformation before your very eyes. First comes the new breasts that fill the cotton surgical bra that are too raw to be seen. Next are the scars, the scary lines that cross what used to be precious and quite exquisite assets! Then the deep ragged scars under my armpit. My very clear newly chemo-tested skin, then the short haircut in preparation of what's next. Next comes the shaved head and finally the bald scalp with a familiar face underneath. My eyelashes are missing and my head is actually shiny. And finally the resconstructed breasts that looks similar to all that's natural and perky, but not quite. Because ultimately its not mine. It was manufactured to replace my very own body part like a prosthetic ear or something.

And here I am now after all those physical changes on my way to work sitting on a bus surrounded by people with their very own stories. I'm here in the moment with all of this behind me. The heartbreaks, the challenges and joys.

I think of all of the people who have really been involved, and those who have not. Those who left my life almost 10 years ago and were never able to share the heartbreaks nor the celebrations. They simply made a choice and took a different road. Someone once told me to always do the right thing. Deep down everyone really knows what that is. That same person told me to be nice to everyone, and to choose a path carefully because it could shape my life. I couldn't agree more.

I may not have always chosen the easy road, and may not have experienced a smooth sail, but I wouldn't change any of my choices. Because I know in my heart I'm exactly where I should be with the people I love most and those who love and care for me right back.