Interesting day today. When I went to bed, I was excited. This week is my last week of radiation and I felt very rested from an extremely relaxing weekend in the Poconos. I was ready to take on the last big chapter!
When I woke up at 5:55am, I knew the day wasn't going to be that easy. My head hurt. My body ached. My radiated breast and underarm burned. And my heart and mind were racing. Plus, I awoke too early. I still had about 15 minutes to sleep!
I layed in bed, trying to think about good things: what Nate was up to...what Mommy was dreaming about...how it was so amazing to see the girls from college this weekend...and then my mind kept racing and I was falling. Into a negative space that I couldn't get out of.
Thinking about how this past year has been, all the shit I've gone through, how my body is not the same, my hair is gone, my skin in ruined. I got in the shower, hoping that would make me feel better, but I started crying. I couldn't stop.
Finally, I sucked it up and remembered that I'm stronger, smarter and actually more beautiful than I ever have been in my life. This change has brought on happiness in my life and I am so thankful for all of that. Still uncomfortable, I put on a shirt and Nate's cardigan and got ready to head into the city on the bus.
Due to the state of my body, I knew I wouldn't make it into work...so I emailed my team. After curling up on the seat, I slept a bit and arrived safely at Port Authority. A little delirious, I got a cab and headed up to the second to last radiation. But my body was still aching!
After session number 24, the tech's took a closer look at the radiated area and told me I should go see the doctor. Though the side effects are normal, they're pretty harsh and very uncomfortable. After having 3 gel pads placed on the area, I headed out and down to Nate's to rest.
After about 30 minutes of watching "Bridezillas" to keep my mind off the hurting, I called my gynecologist about a checkup that I needed, but couldn't remember when it was scheduled for. Well, it was today at 9:30am.
So, at 12:30pm I headed back up town for a missed appointment. This checkup, you ask? Well, to check if the "spot" they found on my ovary in July is in fact normal.
Don't you just love those glorious internal ultrasounds? And when the radiologist asks you random questions and you can't know WHY?? So, I'm trying not to freak out and to continue to think positively. I just hope my little egg carriers are doing ok down there.
I'm finally back at Nate's, hanging by myself watching some TV, trying not to think. Today has been quite a down day and I'm just not sure how to get myself out of this slump. I know I will, but it's tough today. So many things unanticipated.
I miss feeling normal.
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