So, its official. It is Christmas time. A time when you're supposed to feel all lovey dovey, cozy, warm and fuzzy. Last year surprisingly I did. I let go of my heart and had a mission. I did, because on Christmas Eve, I was surrounded by family, friends, amazing food, laughter and love. I also was surprised by one of my best friends, Bryan, with a bottle of wine he had been saving that I had actually given to him many years ago. He gave it to me as a Christmas gift saying that when this is all over, we'd drink it. And...now we can.
On Christmas, though we mourned Mema's passing, we cherished memories of her and kept her with us as we opened gifts and ate breakfast mentioning what she would think, do, say. Christmas turned into a fun-filled day of eating, sharing stories, gift giving and receiving, drinking tasty wine and... eventually a night full of a typical Italian feast and a loud and joyous celebration. Not only was the Saginario family in attendance, but my coworker and dear friend Gemma and her mom, along with a visit from Justin and Becka. It really was so fun!
The funny thing is, my favorite song of all time during Christmas is Sarah McLauglin's rendition of 'Happy Xmas, War is Over'. Last year when I heard it, I actually got angry, felt resentment, and got really upset. "Let's hope its a good one, without any fears." That's certainly not how I felt at all. On Dec 25, 2008 I had cancer in my body and a year ahead that I couldn't even begin to prepare for. I was so scared and the year had not even started yet!
"For weak and for strong." that's the part that got me motivated. That actually got me feeling vicious and ready to conquer whatever was up ahead.
So now when I listen, and the year is behind me and Sarah asks "Oh this is Christmas and what have you done?" I know that I've done more than most. This year is the biggest and most important of them all. More important than college graduation, buying a new car, getting a promotion... I beat cancer!! And the best feeling is knowing in my head, my heart and soul that It's a "Happy Christmas" this year and the "War is Over!" Ah ah ah ah!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyJOh9DrH0c
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Rolf's
Almost exactly this time last year as we were leaving Gramercy radiology, my mom, sister and I decided we were going to spend the rest of the day enjoying the city instead of going back to our regular lives of work, cleaning, whatever. And since we thought the biopsy was sure to come back negative, we might as well take advantage of the beautiful crisp winter weather in Manhattan!
As we walked to find a pub to grab a burger, we came across what we thought was a Christmas shop. We walked in and to our surprise, it was a German bar...with about 2000 Christmas balls hanging from the ceiling...all strategically placed in their own little spot. The place was overwhelmingly gorgeous. A bit over the top, but screamed the Christmas warmness that we all needed to feel that day. We sat for a German beer, my mom got hit on by a married man named Steve (ironic) and we had a great time. Little did we know we would end up in the same place 1 year later with a double mastectomy' egg retrieval, 8 rounds of chemo and 25 treatments of radiation, over 15 Herceptin injections behind us and short hair, scars and a happy heart to show for it all!
The day we went to Rolf's last year didn't end with Rolf's being the high point however. After Rolf's we went to Molly's, a pub next door that had saw dust on the floor! We were looking for a fondu place in the area, but couldn't find it. So I decided to call my "friend" at the time Nate. Little did my mom and sister know that I had a huge crush on him. Then we did some shopping, popped in another bar for my favorite drink of all time (dirty martini) and finally to Dos Caminos for dinner where my mom actually had her first bowl of guacamole.
It was 9pm before we knew it and Dana and I just weren't ready to go home. So what did we do? Dragged my mom to sing karaoke! A few Corona's later we were dancing, singing and staying out way past our bedtimes!
Little did we know while we were staying optimistic and making the most out the crappy situation, my cells were having a party of their own... my cancer cells were spreading their own Christmas cheer... to my lymph nodes.
So this year at Rolf's we had lots to celebrate. Not only did we drink, laugh, dance, and enjoy our time together, we made friends with strangers (hi Leslie, Ibby and Matt!) and ran into old friends (Happy birthday Jeff! Nice meeting you Cam!).
This visit to Rolf's represented a big accomplishment for us all. We got through the hardest time in our lives. And as a leave behind, we left our mark on Santa.
**PICTURES TO COME!**
As we walked to find a pub to grab a burger, we came across what we thought was a Christmas shop. We walked in and to our surprise, it was a German bar...with about 2000 Christmas balls hanging from the ceiling...all strategically placed in their own little spot. The place was overwhelmingly gorgeous. A bit over the top, but screamed the Christmas warmness that we all needed to feel that day. We sat for a German beer, my mom got hit on by a married man named Steve (ironic) and we had a great time. Little did we know we would end up in the same place 1 year later with a double mastectomy' egg retrieval, 8 rounds of chemo and 25 treatments of radiation, over 15 Herceptin injections behind us and short hair, scars and a happy heart to show for it all!
The day we went to Rolf's last year didn't end with Rolf's being the high point however. After Rolf's we went to Molly's, a pub next door that had saw dust on the floor! We were looking for a fondu place in the area, but couldn't find it. So I decided to call my "friend" at the time Nate. Little did my mom and sister know that I had a huge crush on him. Then we did some shopping, popped in another bar for my favorite drink of all time (dirty martini) and finally to Dos Caminos for dinner where my mom actually had her first bowl of guacamole.
It was 9pm before we knew it and Dana and I just weren't ready to go home. So what did we do? Dragged my mom to sing karaoke! A few Corona's later we were dancing, singing and staying out way past our bedtimes!
Little did we know while we were staying optimistic and making the most out the crappy situation, my cells were having a party of their own... my cancer cells were spreading their own Christmas cheer... to my lymph nodes.
So this year at Rolf's we had lots to celebrate. Not only did we drink, laugh, dance, and enjoy our time together, we made friends with strangers (hi Leslie, Ibby and Matt!) and ran into old friends (Happy birthday Jeff! Nice meeting you Cam!).
This visit to Rolf's represented a big accomplishment for us all. We got through the hardest time in our lives. And as a leave behind, we left our mark on Santa.
**PICTURES TO COME!**
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Today, on the bus
On the bus on my way into work. So much going through my mind. It's raining outside and I have my earbuds in and I'm listening to Solsbury Hill on my ipod. Somehow, this song makes me feel bright and hopeful like things are getting better and clearing up by the minute. I think its very important to have music you can turn on that makes you feel that way. Making you feel unafraid of what's up ahead.
I'm sitting in the bus reflecting on what's happened this last year. And really what's happened leading up to this time in my life. The childhood drama of a sad and angry small-town divorce, deaths in the family that changed lives and left empty hearts, watching those you love dwindle away from the very disease I have conquered.
The heartbreaks, the failed love and funny dates. And then all that's good! The birthday parties, the little league games and college drinking fests. Making best friends, getting new jobs and falling in love. Being able to watch your family get closer through the hardest and scariest time in your life. Then, watching yourself go through an emotional and physical transformation before your very eyes. First comes the new breasts that fill the cotton surgical bra that are too raw to be seen. Next are the scars, the scary lines that cross what used to be precious and quite exquisite assets! Then the deep ragged scars under my armpit. My very clear newly chemo-tested skin, then the short haircut in preparation of what's next. Next comes the shaved head and finally the bald scalp with a familiar face underneath. My eyelashes are missing and my head is actually shiny. And finally the resconstructed breasts that looks similar to all that's natural and perky, but not quite. Because ultimately its not mine. It was manufactured to replace my very own body part like a prosthetic ear or something.
And here I am now after all those physical changes on my way to work sitting on a bus surrounded by people with their very own stories. I'm here in the moment with all of this behind me. The heartbreaks, the challenges and joys.
I think of all of the people who have really been involved, and those who have not. Those who left my life almost 10 years ago and were never able to share the heartbreaks nor the celebrations. They simply made a choice and took a different road. Someone once told me to always do the right thing. Deep down everyone really knows what that is. That same person told me to be nice to everyone, and to choose a path carefully because it could shape my life. I couldn't agree more.
I may not have always chosen the easy road, and may not have experienced a smooth sail, but I wouldn't change any of my choices. Because I know in my heart I'm exactly where I should be with the people I love most and those who love and care for me right back.
I'm sitting in the bus reflecting on what's happened this last year. And really what's happened leading up to this time in my life. The childhood drama of a sad and angry small-town divorce, deaths in the family that changed lives and left empty hearts, watching those you love dwindle away from the very disease I have conquered.
The heartbreaks, the failed love and funny dates. And then all that's good! The birthday parties, the little league games and college drinking fests. Making best friends, getting new jobs and falling in love. Being able to watch your family get closer through the hardest and scariest time in your life. Then, watching yourself go through an emotional and physical transformation before your very eyes. First comes the new breasts that fill the cotton surgical bra that are too raw to be seen. Next are the scars, the scary lines that cross what used to be precious and quite exquisite assets! Then the deep ragged scars under my armpit. My very clear newly chemo-tested skin, then the short haircut in preparation of what's next. Next comes the shaved head and finally the bald scalp with a familiar face underneath. My eyelashes are missing and my head is actually shiny. And finally the resconstructed breasts that looks similar to all that's natural and perky, but not quite. Because ultimately its not mine. It was manufactured to replace my very own body part like a prosthetic ear or something.
And here I am now after all those physical changes on my way to work sitting on a bus surrounded by people with their very own stories. I'm here in the moment with all of this behind me. The heartbreaks, the challenges and joys.
I think of all of the people who have really been involved, and those who have not. Those who left my life almost 10 years ago and were never able to share the heartbreaks nor the celebrations. They simply made a choice and took a different road. Someone once told me to always do the right thing. Deep down everyone really knows what that is. That same person told me to be nice to everyone, and to choose a path carefully because it could shape my life. I couldn't agree more.
I may not have always chosen the easy road, and may not have experienced a smooth sail, but I wouldn't change any of my choices. Because I know in my heart I'm exactly where I should be with the people I love most and those who love and care for me right back.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Happy October
It's definitely October. Not only can you smell and feel the crisp, fresh air and see the colorful red and orange leaves falling, but the pink ribbons and Breast Cancer support is everywhere!
Well, I just want to give a special shout-out to my college roommates from Maryland who ran a half-marathon and half-marathon relay in support of not only breast cancer awareness, but Loving Kara. Take a look at the picture from Colleen!!
Also, back in September, my friends Ariana and Jason along with my friend Cara (whom I worked with at my first agency job), participated in the Susan G Komen run/walk in Central Park. Love you guys!!!
Well, I just want to give a special shout-out to my college roommates from Maryland who ran a half-marathon and half-marathon relay in support of not only breast cancer awareness, but Loving Kara. Take a look at the picture from Colleen!!
Also, back in September, my friends Ariana and Jason along with my friend Cara (whom I worked with at my first agency job), participated in the Susan G Komen run/walk in Central Park. Love you guys!!!
Kara Update
Wow. It's been quite a while since my last update. I've had so many friends come to me and say they enjoy my blogging and I feel so honored! Thank you!
I promise to try and spell check better (Sue!).
I promise to try and spell check better (Sue!).
As I sit here watching football, I thought I should update you.
Lots has happened since my last entry and the entry before really. I've been working full time (beyond full time actually), been running back and forth to Nate's and my mom's, traveling to christenings, weddings and doing walks supporting Breast Cancer. However, it was this past week, that my body told me to slow down or I'll go down.
I've been on such a high these last couple weeks. Knowing that radiation is over, my body is on its way to healing, my life is getting back on track, and my hair is growing at an extremely fast rate. I even got my first haircut!! (see below for a pic with my hairdresser back in P-town).
Mentally, I've been tricking my body into thinking that if you believe you are fine and can do all the things you used to do, your body will handle it. Well, I was wrong.This past week, day by day, I started feeling utterly exhausted just walking out of the subway. The next day, I couldn't catch my breath at my desk. The following couple days, I planned on going back to Pequannock, but couldn't find the strength to get to Port Authority. I stayed at Nates every single night last week. I didn't mind because I love spending every moment with him, but that's not what I was supposed to do. I was "supposed" to feel good enough to go back home, see my mom and hang with my sister. By Thursday evening, I was crying to Nate in the hallway, simply breaking down. By Friday morning, I should have gone home. My producer came over to my desk and asked how I was feeling. I couldn't stop the tears.
I told her was tired. I was scared. I was just simply exhausted and worried about my health. Her and I hugged and cried together. She's a great lady.
This weekend became a bit of a bummer for me. I had plans to visit my girls down in Maryland while they were doing a half-marathon/relay for me for Breast Cancer. My plans (as of Thursday night) were to head down and support them. I simply couldn't make it.
So Nate and I came back to Jerzzzz and hung out, watched "Couples Retreat" and vegged. It was exactly what the doctor would have ordered.
Now today, after sleeping in until 1PM, I'm here watching the Giants beat the crap out of Oakland (yey!), trying to relax, destress, and just update all of you on what's been going on in my little world.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Celebrity Siting
It's 10:17am and I've finally arrive at Dr. Cordiero's office (my reconstructive surgeon). After sitting in a cab for roughly an hour and waiting about 15 minutes for the biggest celebrity of our time to pass by, I finally made it.
It was Obama!
He passed by with a twinkle in his eye by sorrow in his face that he was making me late for my doc appointment. Ha
It was Obama!
He passed by with a twinkle in his eye by sorrow in his face that he was making me late for my doc appointment. Ha
Monday, August 24, 2009
Hmmm... what to think?
Cancer is a funny thing because it makes you rethink just about every single aspect of your life.
- Should you forgive?
- Should you move on?
- Should you write a book?
- Should you live dangerously because life is short?
- Should you live carefully because life is precious?
- Should you eat whatever you want to make yourself feel better?
- What do you want in your future?
- What do you want now?
- How do you feel?
- Does this certain situation matter?
- Who cares!
These are just some questions and thoughts that run through my mind on a, pretty much, daily basis. One thing that I thought about quite often in the beginning of this mess, is about forgiving people. And I think that's a pretty serious topic.
But what I've realized is this: you must surround yourself with people who love you and people whom you love. These people are here for you without cancer and with cancer. They support you, ask how you're feeling even when you're fine. Want to know your dreams, your thoughts, your fears. They laugh with you, they cry with you. They're just always there.
So, just because you have cancer, and your life takes a huge, dramatic, crazy change, you are still you. No matter what. And hurt, distrust, and the feeling of insincerity never goes away.
I cherish my family and my friends. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
#24...somehow just not enough.
Interesting day today. When I went to bed, I was excited. This week is my last week of radiation and I felt very rested from an extremely relaxing weekend in the Poconos. I was ready to take on the last big chapter!
When I woke up at 5:55am, I knew the day wasn't going to be that easy. My head hurt. My body ached. My radiated breast and underarm burned. And my heart and mind were racing. Plus, I awoke too early. I still had about 15 minutes to sleep!
I layed in bed, trying to think about good things: what Nate was up to...what Mommy was dreaming about...how it was so amazing to see the girls from college this weekend...and then my mind kept racing and I was falling. Into a negative space that I couldn't get out of.
Thinking about how this past year has been, all the shit I've gone through, how my body is not the same, my hair is gone, my skin in ruined. I got in the shower, hoping that would make me feel better, but I started crying. I couldn't stop.
Finally, I sucked it up and remembered that I'm stronger, smarter and actually more beautiful than I ever have been in my life. This change has brought on happiness in my life and I am so thankful for all of that. Still uncomfortable, I put on a shirt and Nate's cardigan and got ready to head into the city on the bus.
Due to the state of my body, I knew I wouldn't make it into work...so I emailed my team. After curling up on the seat, I slept a bit and arrived safely at Port Authority. A little delirious, I got a cab and headed up to the second to last radiation. But my body was still aching!
After session number 24, the tech's took a closer look at the radiated area and told me I should go see the doctor. Though the side effects are normal, they're pretty harsh and very uncomfortable. After having 3 gel pads placed on the area, I headed out and down to Nate's to rest.
After about 30 minutes of watching "Bridezillas" to keep my mind off the hurting, I called my gynecologist about a checkup that I needed, but couldn't remember when it was scheduled for. Well, it was today at 9:30am.
So, at 12:30pm I headed back up town for a missed appointment. This checkup, you ask? Well, to check if the "spot" they found on my ovary in July is in fact normal.
Don't you just love those glorious internal ultrasounds? And when the radiologist asks you random questions and you can't know WHY?? So, I'm trying not to freak out and to continue to think positively. I just hope my little egg carriers are doing ok down there.
I'm finally back at Nate's, hanging by myself watching some TV, trying not to think. Today has been quite a down day and I'm just not sure how to get myself out of this slump. I know I will, but it's tough today. So many things unanticipated.
I miss feeling normal.
When I woke up at 5:55am, I knew the day wasn't going to be that easy. My head hurt. My body ached. My radiated breast and underarm burned. And my heart and mind were racing. Plus, I awoke too early. I still had about 15 minutes to sleep!
I layed in bed, trying to think about good things: what Nate was up to...what Mommy was dreaming about...how it was so amazing to see the girls from college this weekend...and then my mind kept racing and I was falling. Into a negative space that I couldn't get out of.
Thinking about how this past year has been, all the shit I've gone through, how my body is not the same, my hair is gone, my skin in ruined. I got in the shower, hoping that would make me feel better, but I started crying. I couldn't stop.
Finally, I sucked it up and remembered that I'm stronger, smarter and actually more beautiful than I ever have been in my life. This change has brought on happiness in my life and I am so thankful for all of that. Still uncomfortable, I put on a shirt and Nate's cardigan and got ready to head into the city on the bus.
Due to the state of my body, I knew I wouldn't make it into work...so I emailed my team. After curling up on the seat, I slept a bit and arrived safely at Port Authority. A little delirious, I got a cab and headed up to the second to last radiation. But my body was still aching!
After session number 24, the tech's took a closer look at the radiated area and told me I should go see the doctor. Though the side effects are normal, they're pretty harsh and very uncomfortable. After having 3 gel pads placed on the area, I headed out and down to Nate's to rest.
After about 30 minutes of watching "Bridezillas" to keep my mind off the hurting, I called my gynecologist about a checkup that I needed, but couldn't remember when it was scheduled for. Well, it was today at 9:30am.
So, at 12:30pm I headed back up town for a missed appointment. This checkup, you ask? Well, to check if the "spot" they found on my ovary in July is in fact normal.
Don't you just love those glorious internal ultrasounds? And when the radiologist asks you random questions and you can't know WHY?? So, I'm trying not to freak out and to continue to think positively. I just hope my little egg carriers are doing ok down there.
I'm finally back at Nate's, hanging by myself watching some TV, trying not to think. Today has been quite a down day and I'm just not sure how to get myself out of this slump. I know I will, but it's tough today. So many things unanticipated.
I miss feeling normal.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Time to Live Again!
Half way there! Radiation is almost half way over. Can you believe it?
I've been seeing the same patients in the office almost every day and have begun to be very friendly with some of the women. We share our horror stories, but also our successes. The one woman, Joan, is the cutest. I just found out yesterday that her grandkids call her "Mema!" I almost started crying when she said that. As much as Mema was the way she was, I really miss her. I can't believe she hasn't been here for all of this. When things were bad, she was always there and helped us through. I just wish she could have met Nate.
So, 12 down, 13 to go. You really know you've had enough treatments when the receptionist can finally pronounce your name correctly!
On a personal front, so much has been going on. Work has been keeping me busy, which has been really fun. I love working on Garnier.
Speaking of... did you want to hear about my trip to the Hamptons and my encounter with Sarah Jessica Parker this past week? Well, the shoot went well. My team is amazing and my clients are great. And working with SJP was such a good experience and so surreal in a way. The night before I left for the Hamptons, I was trying to pack thinking: How do you pack knowing you are going to meet SJP!? When most of the clothes you buy are because of what SHE wears (as Carrie Bradshaw).
It's just so funny to see how a character that you feel that you know so well, is so incredibly different as a real person in real life. When I got to meet her, we chatted briefly and I congratulated her on her new babies and her face just lit up. It was really cute.
Then, the day after the shoot we headed home on the "Luxury Liner" and my co-worker, Christy and I sat right next to one of the Housewives of NYC. She was very beautiful in real life, but a little stingy when it came to her seat. Ha.
Overall, this cancer thing is becoming a memory. I catch myself in the mirror and still don't expect to see my hair so short and just can't believe this has all happened...but my hair is growing back at a ridiculously fast rate. So much so, I may need a trim around my ears! Plus, my eyelashes are getting long too. Slowly but surely, I'm getting better and looking less like a "cancer patient." When I went into the cafeteria at Sloan Kettering the other day, the woman who works there actually asked me if I was a patient or an employee! And that's at the cancer hospital!! That's pretty awesome.
The radiation treatments are bearable. Side effects have yet to really kick in. They say I will get really tired toward the end, and that I will have a sunburn-like redness to the area that has been radiated. I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but I can certainly handle that!
As I'm writing my blog, I'm listening to Pandora and one of my favorite songs just came on that seems to be a bit relevant to how I've been feeling lately.... "Times Like These" by the Foo Fighters...."It's times like these, you learn to live again!"
It's so true...with each passing day, I'm becoming healthier and learning to live again knowing that I have wonderful, caring people in my life whom I treasure, and thank God for everyday.
I've been seeing the same patients in the office almost every day and have begun to be very friendly with some of the women. We share our horror stories, but also our successes. The one woman, Joan, is the cutest. I just found out yesterday that her grandkids call her "Mema!" I almost started crying when she said that. As much as Mema was the way she was, I really miss her. I can't believe she hasn't been here for all of this. When things were bad, she was always there and helped us through. I just wish she could have met Nate.
So, 12 down, 13 to go. You really know you've had enough treatments when the receptionist can finally pronounce your name correctly!
On a personal front, so much has been going on. Work has been keeping me busy, which has been really fun. I love working on Garnier.
Speaking of... did you want to hear about my trip to the Hamptons and my encounter with Sarah Jessica Parker this past week? Well, the shoot went well. My team is amazing and my clients are great. And working with SJP was such a good experience and so surreal in a way. The night before I left for the Hamptons, I was trying to pack thinking: How do you pack knowing you are going to meet SJP!? When most of the clothes you buy are because of what SHE wears (as Carrie Bradshaw).
It's just so funny to see how a character that you feel that you know so well, is so incredibly different as a real person in real life. When I got to meet her, we chatted briefly and I congratulated her on her new babies and her face just lit up. It was really cute.
Then, the day after the shoot we headed home on the "Luxury Liner" and my co-worker, Christy and I sat right next to one of the Housewives of NYC. She was very beautiful in real life, but a little stingy when it came to her seat. Ha.
Overall, this cancer thing is becoming a memory. I catch myself in the mirror and still don't expect to see my hair so short and just can't believe this has all happened...but my hair is growing back at a ridiculously fast rate. So much so, I may need a trim around my ears! Plus, my eyelashes are getting long too. Slowly but surely, I'm getting better and looking less like a "cancer patient." When I went into the cafeteria at Sloan Kettering the other day, the woman who works there actually asked me if I was a patient or an employee! And that's at the cancer hospital!! That's pretty awesome.
The radiation treatments are bearable. Side effects have yet to really kick in. They say I will get really tired toward the end, and that I will have a sunburn-like redness to the area that has been radiated. I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but I can certainly handle that!
As I'm writing my blog, I'm listening to Pandora and one of my favorite songs just came on that seems to be a bit relevant to how I've been feeling lately.... "Times Like These" by the Foo Fighters...."It's times like these, you learn to live again!"
It's so true...with each passing day, I'm becoming healthier and learning to live again knowing that I have wonderful, caring people in my life whom I treasure, and thank God for everyday.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sincere Thanks
This is a post that goes out to all of my family, friends, acquaintances, and people who have been incredibly generous and thoughtful during my battle through this. The amount of love and support I have been feeling from those around me is indescribable. Not to mention, the massive amounts of emails and cards that I receive on a weekly basis as well as the incredibly generous donations to Loving Kara.
So, thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. You have kept me smiling through the toughest of times and lifted my spirits beyond what I thought was possible.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So, thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. You have kept me smiling through the toughest of times and lifted my spirits beyond what I thought was possible.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Insert foot in mouth...
It's official. My hair is back! So much so, that as I was heading back to my office after radiation this afternoon, some guy yelled out of his truck, "hey, it's GI JANE!" I guess it didn't help that I was wearing a greenish/army color shirt, but at least it wasn't an old man telling me I should be ashamed of myself!
Not to mention, I wore mascara for the first real time yesterday. Feels so frickin' good to put that goop on my eyelashes again. Who knew adding black goop could make you feel so much like a woman?
Funny thing is, my hair has never caused so much attention! The stories just keep rolling in.
So, there is this guy at work...let's call him Matt. When I was first wearing wigs all the time at work, Matt would comment and say, "Hey, great haircut!" or "wow, look at you - your hair looks great." Always about the hair...This was when I was wearing my short black wig. The next day, I ran into him in the elevator and I was wearing my long brown wig. He kept staring at me. And in front of 2 other people in the elevator asked, "how....is your hair longer today, than it was yesterday? I just don't get it!" He looked so confused. So, I made some joke that I like to play around a bit with my hair...so as not to make him feel bad by releasing my "schmancer" story. But I let him know it was a wig...so wouldn't you think he'd ask someone why I was wearing a wig? Weeks went on and little by little, I stopped wearing my wigs and had little to no hair on my head at the office. Sometimes wore hats, sometimes not. Most people at the office knew why I lost my hair...
Last week, I run into Matt in the lobby. He goes on to comment on my hair cut (my shaved head)! He says, "So, Kara, really, what's up with the hair? What did you get lice or something??" So finally, after trying to dodge it the last time, I said, "No, I lost my hair from chemo. I had breast cancer."
He says, "Kara, that's not even funny. That's not something to joke about. For real, why did you shave your head. You have lice?? hehehehe!" He's laughing!
Finally, I'm like, "Matt, listen. I'm not joking! I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December. I lost my hair! But it's finally coming back!" I delivered it all with a smile, but I have never seen anyone get so white in the face as that guy! Insert foot in mouth...hehehe...
Not to mention, I wore mascara for the first real time yesterday. Feels so frickin' good to put that goop on my eyelashes again. Who knew adding black goop could make you feel so much like a woman?
Funny thing is, my hair has never caused so much attention! The stories just keep rolling in.
So, there is this guy at work...let's call him Matt. When I was first wearing wigs all the time at work, Matt would comment and say, "Hey, great haircut!" or "wow, look at you - your hair looks great." Always about the hair...This was when I was wearing my short black wig. The next day, I ran into him in the elevator and I was wearing my long brown wig. He kept staring at me. And in front of 2 other people in the elevator asked, "how....is your hair longer today, than it was yesterday? I just don't get it!" He looked so confused. So, I made some joke that I like to play around a bit with my hair...so as not to make him feel bad by releasing my "schmancer" story. But I let him know it was a wig...so wouldn't you think he'd ask someone why I was wearing a wig? Weeks went on and little by little, I stopped wearing my wigs and had little to no hair on my head at the office. Sometimes wore hats, sometimes not. Most people at the office knew why I lost my hair...
Last week, I run into Matt in the lobby. He goes on to comment on my hair cut (my shaved head)! He says, "So, Kara, really, what's up with the hair? What did you get lice or something??" So finally, after trying to dodge it the last time, I said, "No, I lost my hair from chemo. I had breast cancer."
He says, "Kara, that's not even funny. That's not something to joke about. For real, why did you shave your head. You have lice?? hehehehe!" He's laughing!
Finally, I'm like, "Matt, listen. I'm not joking! I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December. I lost my hair! But it's finally coming back!" I delivered it all with a smile, but I have never seen anyone get so white in the face as that guy! Insert foot in mouth...hehehe...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Haircut?
Hahaha -- I totally forgot to write this.
So...the other day, I'm at the office, in the kitchen, talking to Gemma. My head is shaved (as you can see) and I'm certainly not the type to go out and shave my head on my own free will.
Well, this guy from the office whom I don't normally chat with on a regular basis, but know by face only, stops dead in the kitchen and stares at me. He looks, and says, "Oh my gosh. What a dramatic hair cut. You look great - did you cut your hair??"
I looked at him, rubbed the top of my head (it feels like velvet) and said, "Yeah, you could say that."
Hahahaha -- he actually thought I did it myself! That's great!
So...the other day, I'm at the office, in the kitchen, talking to Gemma. My head is shaved (as you can see) and I'm certainly not the type to go out and shave my head on my own free will.
Well, this guy from the office whom I don't normally chat with on a regular basis, but know by face only, stops dead in the kitchen and stares at me. He looks, and says, "Oh my gosh. What a dramatic hair cut. You look great - did you cut your hair??"
I looked at him, rubbed the top of my head (it feels like velvet) and said, "Yeah, you could say that."
Hahahaha -- he actually thought I did it myself! That's great!
The 5th chapter begins...only 23 more!
So much has happened.
Work you ask? Since I had been back to work after chemo ended, my HR department came to me and told me they had the perfect Account Supervisor position for me at the agency. I was hesitant to actually make a move, but accepted. I was nervous. So much had been changing. I just moved back home with my mom, my commute was longer, my appearance was different, and now my job? But this is what I had worked SO hard for. So, I put my worries aside and took the position. As of about 2 weeks ago, I was officially promoted to the position of Account Supervisor on the L'Oreal / Garnier Nutritioniste, Skin Care brand. And I have to say, it's been great!
My hair is grooowwwwinng!!!!
Plus, the other day, a producer that I used to work with came by my desk to ask how I was feeling. He went on to tell me about a personal experience he had with breast cancer (his significant other) and the process they had to go through, which was actually very similar to mine. He then complimented me on my hair and said he really admired me for wearing it that way, and that he loved when his g-friend kept her's shaved almost 2 years after her last chemo treatment. He then went on to tell me that she has a high-end bathing suit company and she would love if I modeled for her! ME? WITH NO HAIR! MODELING!! So, the photoshoot is set for this coming Friday...we'll see how it goes! :)
Other than that, radiation just started yesterday. The first day was annoying in that I had to wait about 2+ hours, but my mom came with me (as she does to every doctor appointment) and eased any anxiety I was feeling. She is truly my best friend -- always there for me no matter what. I can't imagine a day without her.
As of today, I have had two treatments and have exactly 23 more. I was surprised that radiation was more like naptime, than actual treatment. You basically just lay on a board and a big, heavy screen surrounds you and gives you crazy radiation waves to make your cancer go away. That's pretty amazing if you ask me.
Side effects won't start happening until beginning to mid-August; so until then, I'll be smiling!
My social life has been pretty busy with weddings, parties, and resting. I went up to Buffalo this past weekend for Nate the Great's cousin's wedding and was able to meet his extended family. What great people! Everyday, I thank God for bringing him into my life.
Well, it's getting late, and my new commute and early radiation treatment has me waking at the crack of dawn. Only 23 left. And then DONZO! The 5th chapter begins and the countdown continues....
Work you ask? Since I had been back to work after chemo ended, my HR department came to me and told me they had the perfect Account Supervisor position for me at the agency. I was hesitant to actually make a move, but accepted. I was nervous. So much had been changing. I just moved back home with my mom, my commute was longer, my appearance was different, and now my job? But this is what I had worked SO hard for. So, I put my worries aside and took the position. As of about 2 weeks ago, I was officially promoted to the position of Account Supervisor on the L'Oreal / Garnier Nutritioniste, Skin Care brand. And I have to say, it's been great!
Great, feeling like I'm an integral part of the team. That my being at the office and helping construct the next steps for organizing a television shoot with a very famous and fabulous woman is needed! As of the beginning of August, I may just be best buds with SJP.
My hair is grooowwwwinng!!!!
Plus, the other day, a producer that I used to work with came by my desk to ask how I was feeling. He went on to tell me about a personal experience he had with breast cancer (his significant other) and the process they had to go through, which was actually very similar to mine. He then complimented me on my hair and said he really admired me for wearing it that way, and that he loved when his g-friend kept her's shaved almost 2 years after her last chemo treatment. He then went on to tell me that she has a high-end bathing suit company and she would love if I modeled for her! ME? WITH NO HAIR! MODELING!! So, the photoshoot is set for this coming Friday...we'll see how it goes! :)
Other than that, radiation just started yesterday. The first day was annoying in that I had to wait about 2+ hours, but my mom came with me (as she does to every doctor appointment) and eased any anxiety I was feeling. She is truly my best friend -- always there for me no matter what. I can't imagine a day without her.
As of today, I have had two treatments and have exactly 23 more. I was surprised that radiation was more like naptime, than actual treatment. You basically just lay on a board and a big, heavy screen surrounds you and gives you crazy radiation waves to make your cancer go away. That's pretty amazing if you ask me.
Side effects won't start happening until beginning to mid-August; so until then, I'll be smiling!
My social life has been pretty busy with weddings, parties, and resting. I went up to Buffalo this past weekend for Nate the Great's cousin's wedding and was able to meet his extended family. What great people! Everyday, I thank God for bringing him into my life.
Well, it's getting late, and my new commute and early radiation treatment has me waking at the crack of dawn. Only 23 left. And then DONZO! The 5th chapter begins and the countdown continues....
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Bitter
Allison and Katie came up to visit last week to bring not only smiles to my face while dealing with the after effects of my surgery, but an array of flowers! They're the best. (Thanks ladies - miss you already!)
Since they had just driven a good 3 hours, we decided to go for lunch....so, we headed to the Pompton Queen Diner. I wanted to look good for the girls despite my surgery, so I had on a black dress (actually, my black pajamas to cover my drains) and my jean jacket on top. Plus, a little army-looking hat, some red lipstick and big diamond studs. I looked great, if I must say so myself -- only 1 week after surgery!
As we got to the diner, we started to approach the front door. As we are walking up the stairs, an old man was standing there. He looked at me in a friendly way and said, "Do you have hair under there?" And I looked at him in a sweet voice, and said, "No, I actually do not."
Do you know what he said? You're never going to believe this:
"YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF."
You know what I said back? "Oh, really because I have cancer sir!"
I was hot on my toes. I actually did the head jab like those girls from the hood! I couldn't believe it. My roommates from college stood there in shock. We all couldn't believe this bitter old man just approached me about my hair and then made a very rude and obnoxious comment because I am bald!
After I said that to him, he looked away and started laughing as though he just put is big fat, old, foot in his mouth. Ugh. I was fuming! And a little shaky.
Later on, we went to my sister's house for the 4th of July fireworks being set off at the town high school. We had a great time! And I got to show off my new healthy set of tatas.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
1 week, 2 drains, and some corners
It's one week after surgery and it feels like an eternity.
Today, I woke up bright eyed and sunny. It was 8:30am and I was ready to start my day. Tomorrow is the PTHS high school fireworks and you can see them from my sister, Dana's backyard. So my plan for today, was to bake some brownies and cupcakes for tomorrow night for her guests and my sweet-toothed boyfriend who's last name actually means sweet (Nate Dolce)! Plus, I wanted to prepare for my roomies from college, Allison and Katie, to come visit! They're coming tomorrow!!
I came downstairs and had a nice little cup of Joe with my mom before she headed off to work. Just as my mom left, I went upstairs and looked in the mirror: my damn, frickin', crappy, annoying drains were leaking!
For those of you who don't know the process, when you have breast reconstruction (otherwise known as fabulous boobies put in that are cancer-free!!!!), the doctor inserts drains in your body to get rid of the excess fluid your body produces. These drains can stay in for several days, or over a week. Well, with the luck I've had this past year, of course, the drain experience was no different. I still have them and they are nothing but a big pain in the a$$, or brea$t, actually.
So, needless to say, my corners were down today. I was frustrated. Annoyed. Wanting to scream; so, I spoke with the doctor hoping these suckers were coming out today. But needless to say, the nurse said no. Ugh!
It took a while for me to get out of my funk. But with a nurturing hug and kiss from my mom, a few uplifting and loving calls from The Great, some pic's of his new nephew Kevin (so cute), a smiley text from Stacey, friendly check-in from my gal from work Sandi, some Oreo's and 90210, I felt better. Whew.
At about 4pm, I hit the shower and immediately felt a sense of relief. I put on a really cute dress, red lipstick and my "Carrie Bradshaw" shoes and met my mom at the A&P to get the goods for making the cupcakes and brownies for my sweet.
So, now my day is looking up and my corners are too! Hooray!
PS. Thanks for all the happy notes that you all have sent to my mom after reading my blog. Keep 'em coming and feel free to comment on my postings!
Today, I woke up bright eyed and sunny. It was 8:30am and I was ready to start my day. Tomorrow is the PTHS high school fireworks and you can see them from my sister, Dana's backyard. So my plan for today, was to bake some brownies and cupcakes for tomorrow night for her guests and my sweet-toothed boyfriend who's last name actually means sweet (Nate Dolce)! Plus, I wanted to prepare for my roomies from college, Allison and Katie, to come visit! They're coming tomorrow!!
I came downstairs and had a nice little cup of Joe with my mom before she headed off to work. Just as my mom left, I went upstairs and looked in the mirror: my damn, frickin', crappy, annoying drains were leaking!
For those of you who don't know the process, when you have breast reconstruction (otherwise known as fabulous boobies put in that are cancer-free!!!!), the doctor inserts drains in your body to get rid of the excess fluid your body produces. These drains can stay in for several days, or over a week. Well, with the luck I've had this past year, of course, the drain experience was no different. I still have them and they are nothing but a big pain in the a$$, or brea$t, actually.
So, needless to say, my corners were down today. I was frustrated. Annoyed. Wanting to scream; so, I spoke with the doctor hoping these suckers were coming out today. But needless to say, the nurse said no. Ugh!
It took a while for me to get out of my funk. But with a nurturing hug and kiss from my mom, a few uplifting and loving calls from The Great, some pic's of his new nephew Kevin (so cute), a smiley text from Stacey, friendly check-in from my gal from work Sandi, some Oreo's and 90210, I felt better. Whew.
At about 4pm, I hit the shower and immediately felt a sense of relief. I put on a really cute dress, red lipstick and my "Carrie Bradshaw" shoes and met my mom at the A&P to get the goods for making the cupcakes and brownies for my sweet.
So, now my day is looking up and my corners are too! Hooray!
PS. Thanks for all the happy notes that you all have sent to my mom after reading my blog. Keep 'em coming and feel free to comment on my postings!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Eyelashes and a Hair Wash
Today has been such a lazy day.
Started the morning with my favorite person resting on my shoulder, then Mommy-cooked cinnamin raisin french toast with chocolate milk and fresh strawberries. My day then consisted of reading the newspaper, waiting for Nate to get back from a run by sitting on the front porch in my mom's rocking chair, hanging out with Nate and mi madre by the pool and watching a bit of soccer (congrats Brazil). Once The Great left to go back to the city, I decided it was time to get in the shower and feel human for once today.
After my shower, my mom asked if she could wash my hair. Can you believe it? I actually have enough hair to wash!!!!
So, after that, we began talking about how much hair I have - and to mine and my mom's surprise, I have little eyelash stubs too! They're finally coming in!!
So, our guess is, that within the next two weeks, I'll actually have a "shaved head" type haircut and little stubby eyelashes. YEY!!!
So, our guess is, that within the next two weeks, I'll actually have a "shaved head" type haircut and little stubby eyelashes. YEY!!!
Now, I'm currently celebrating by having some Oreo's dunked in milk served in a stemless martini glass. Whoever said you need alcohol to celebrate obviously has never had Oreo's (or cancer).
Check out this pic -- I'm using my mom's webcam so you can see my hair!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Beautious Tatas!
So, I've had my exchange surgery (reconstructive surgery) and am currently recovering back at home.
My surgery was on Wednesday, June 24 at 7am, and by 8:30am, I had beautiful brand new tatas. My mom, sister and Nate the Great accompanied me. Those three are my trio of protection. They make everything better and can get me through anything.
The surgery was considered to be outpatient, but when the nurses thought it was time for me to leave, I could barely lift my head, let alone get in the car with my family to head home. Nate went back to work after I was getting out of recovery and continued to call every 1/2 hour to check in. After my mom and sister became friendly with all of the patients and their families at the hospital, we stayed until 7pm when I was actually able to walk. Ugh. All the while Nate was keeping a very exciting secret.
When we pulled into the driveway, I saw a very familiar black Jetta with Maryland license plates. I began to cry. It was Colleen's car!
I started to get out of the car (needing help of course) and my mom ran in the back. My sister helped me out and we began to walk inside. Immediately, both Meaghan and Colleen came running up to me with a big hug welcoming me home from surgery.
At this point, I was so excited to see them that suddenly my pain felt lessened and I was just so happy to see my girls. They showered me with presents -- food (yummy lasagna), flowers, bracelet charms and dessert. Then, we received an Edible Arrangement full of fresh fruit and chocolate from my 2 favorite Koreans! I could not stop thanking them. They drove 4 hours to come up and see me! I felt so bad because all the while, they were chatting with Nate to see when we were supposed to get home. And it was originally supposed to be 1pm! So they had waited at my house since the afternoon reading bridal magazines and eating delicious spinach dip waiting for me! Then, at 10pm, they drove home! I have the most amazing friends.
So, now it's Saturday, Nate is here and Dana, Steve, Chris and Michele just left. My mom and Jabe are going on a date so Nate and I are in for an ice cream and movie night.
I'm in a lot of pain - feeling pressure from the surgery and just feeling a little drugged from the Percaset... but having my family and friends around me to keep me smiling and laughing helps me forget all that's going on. I can't imagine going through this without them. With each step, we celebrate. My hair is growing at a steady rate and I'm really starting to look like a true fuzz ball. Plus, I have new beautious tatas! Yey!
My surgery was on Wednesday, June 24 at 7am, and by 8:30am, I had beautiful brand new tatas. My mom, sister and Nate the Great accompanied me. Those three are my trio of protection. They make everything better and can get me through anything.
The surgery was considered to be outpatient, but when the nurses thought it was time for me to leave, I could barely lift my head, let alone get in the car with my family to head home. Nate went back to work after I was getting out of recovery and continued to call every 1/2 hour to check in. After my mom and sister became friendly with all of the patients and their families at the hospital, we stayed until 7pm when I was actually able to walk. Ugh. All the while Nate was keeping a very exciting secret.
When we pulled into the driveway, I saw a very familiar black Jetta with Maryland license plates. I began to cry. It was Colleen's car!
I started to get out of the car (needing help of course) and my mom ran in the back. My sister helped me out and we began to walk inside. Immediately, both Meaghan and Colleen came running up to me with a big hug welcoming me home from surgery.
At this point, I was so excited to see them that suddenly my pain felt lessened and I was just so happy to see my girls. They showered me with presents -- food (yummy lasagna), flowers, bracelet charms and dessert. Then, we received an Edible Arrangement full of fresh fruit and chocolate from my 2 favorite Koreans! I could not stop thanking them. They drove 4 hours to come up and see me! I felt so bad because all the while, they were chatting with Nate to see when we were supposed to get home. And it was originally supposed to be 1pm! So they had waited at my house since the afternoon reading bridal magazines and eating delicious spinach dip waiting for me! Then, at 10pm, they drove home! I have the most amazing friends.
So, now it's Saturday, Nate is here and Dana, Steve, Chris and Michele just left. My mom and Jabe are going on a date so Nate and I are in for an ice cream and movie night.
I'm in a lot of pain - feeling pressure from the surgery and just feeling a little drugged from the Percaset... but having my family and friends around me to keep me smiling and laughing helps me forget all that's going on. I can't imagine going through this without them. With each step, we celebrate. My hair is growing at a steady rate and I'm really starting to look like a true fuzz ball. Plus, I have new beautious tatas! Yey!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Bittersweet Move
Yesterday was the first day of a whole new chapter for me. It was a bittersweet day because as I looked around my empty apartment in Hoboken, I realized the past 3 years have been so careless, without a worry in the world. And in the last 6 months, my entire world has turned around in good ways and obviously bad.
I moved back in with my mom and JB. The move was fine; a bit tiring, but more emotional than anything else. Steve, Dana, Nate, Matt and Kevin helped out. And although only few tears had been shed (due to my sister and Rhianna’s song Umbrella), moving back home made The Big C, all that more real.
This coming Wednesday is my exchange surgery and for some reason, I’m so much more anxious about this surgery than I was about the mastectomy. Back in January, it was all so new and so shocking that I just did it. Now, I’ve been anticipating this day and can’t believe it’s here already. The good thing is, this means Chapter 4 will be over! One more success to celebrate!
Oh, PS – Colleen got engaged! Now that’s Meaghan and Colleen! YIPPEEEEE!!
I moved back in with my mom and JB. The move was fine; a bit tiring, but more emotional than anything else. Steve, Dana, Nate, Matt and Kevin helped out. And although only few tears had been shed (due to my sister and Rhianna’s song Umbrella), moving back home made The Big C, all that more real.
This coming Wednesday is my exchange surgery and for some reason, I’m so much more anxious about this surgery than I was about the mastectomy. Back in January, it was all so new and so shocking that I just did it. Now, I’ve been anticipating this day and can’t believe it’s here already. The good thing is, this means Chapter 4 will be over! One more success to celebrate!
Oh, PS – Colleen got engaged! Now that’s Meaghan and Colleen! YIPPEEEEE!!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Down Days
After a very long day of work, I went to my boyfriend's house to rest up before heading out to dinner on Friday night. I had been looking forward to this, so I really wanted to push myself to make it happen.
We ended up going to a beautiful restaurant called House on the Lower West Side and the food was amazing. Nate was as sweet as ever and his friends were great as always.
This morning, I woke up, felt ok, and was ready to start my day. I had a party scheduled for later in the afternoon and was heading back to Hoboken with a bald head and little makeup, but felt excited for the party. Then the day just took a "Down" turn. Got on the F train, and a man asking for money started harassing me in front of many many strangers about my bald, fuzzy head. He asked me a question and I simply told him to go away. I felt frustrated. I felt embarrassed. Why'd he have to pick on me? Is it not bad enough that I have this alien looking haircut, that someone needs to start saying comments to me? And during my trip home, at least 3 children tugged at their parents' shirts pointing and staring and not understanding why "that lady" doesn't have any hair.
Normally, I take the looks and don't care. But for some reason today, it hurt. A lot.
Then, I took the long way home from the PATH train. I walked the whole way. Stopped off to buy myself a new shirt to wear to the party (and to make myself feel better), but as I was trying on clothes, I couldn't stop looking at myself with no hair and little makeup. I looked sick. And when I look sick, I get sad, frustrated, pissed off and truley and utterly upset.
When I finally reached my apartment, it was another disappointment. I looked around and saw all the boxes that are filled with all my stuff. Everything I own that I'm taking back to my mom's house when I move in with her after my reconstructive surgery. Then, I started an official pity party for myself.
Why did this have to happen to me?
Why do I have to be bald?
Why can't I just be like every other 27 year old woman and live my life?
Why do I have to leave Hoboken? I'm not ready yet!
This isn't fair!!!
Then, I start to cry. But as always, after only seconds of crying and whining, I realize this is stupid. This situation SUCKS, but it happened and it's saving my life and I have to suck it up, put on a smile and get ready for this party.
So, I downloaded the song from Sex and the City the Movie (when Carrie is at the fashion shoot), uploaded it onto my iPod and got ready.
I took a long shower, put on my makeup, heels, jeans, tube top and Fedora, and I was ready to go. And after all that, I realize that it's ok to have a Down Day. You can't always be superwoman -- as long as you pick yourself up, clean yourself off and keep positive. Life is meant to be lived!
So now I'm home at 12am and had a great time. It was great seeing my old high school friends and hanging with my one of my best girls Michelle. Found out some funny gossip and realize that even though I'm going through the toughest year of my life, I truley am a very lucky girl who is very much in love.
We ended up going to a beautiful restaurant called House on the Lower West Side and the food was amazing. Nate was as sweet as ever and his friends were great as always.
This morning, I woke up, felt ok, and was ready to start my day. I had a party scheduled for later in the afternoon and was heading back to Hoboken with a bald head and little makeup, but felt excited for the party. Then the day just took a "Down" turn. Got on the F train, and a man asking for money started harassing me in front of many many strangers about my bald, fuzzy head. He asked me a question and I simply told him to go away. I felt frustrated. I felt embarrassed. Why'd he have to pick on me? Is it not bad enough that I have this alien looking haircut, that someone needs to start saying comments to me? And during my trip home, at least 3 children tugged at their parents' shirts pointing and staring and not understanding why "that lady" doesn't have any hair.
Normally, I take the looks and don't care. But for some reason today, it hurt. A lot.
Then, I took the long way home from the PATH train. I walked the whole way. Stopped off to buy myself a new shirt to wear to the party (and to make myself feel better), but as I was trying on clothes, I couldn't stop looking at myself with no hair and little makeup. I looked sick. And when I look sick, I get sad, frustrated, pissed off and truley and utterly upset.
When I finally reached my apartment, it was another disappointment. I looked around and saw all the boxes that are filled with all my stuff. Everything I own that I'm taking back to my mom's house when I move in with her after my reconstructive surgery. Then, I started an official pity party for myself.
Why did this have to happen to me?
Why do I have to be bald?
Why can't I just be like every other 27 year old woman and live my life?
Why do I have to leave Hoboken? I'm not ready yet!
This isn't fair!!!
Then, I start to cry. But as always, after only seconds of crying and whining, I realize this is stupid. This situation SUCKS, but it happened and it's saving my life and I have to suck it up, put on a smile and get ready for this party.
So, I downloaded the song from Sex and the City the Movie (when Carrie is at the fashion shoot), uploaded it onto my iPod and got ready.
I took a long shower, put on my makeup, heels, jeans, tube top and Fedora, and I was ready to go. And after all that, I realize that it's ok to have a Down Day. You can't always be superwoman -- as long as you pick yourself up, clean yourself off and keep positive. Life is meant to be lived!
So now I'm home at 12am and had a great time. It was great seeing my old high school friends and hanging with my one of my best girls Michelle. Found out some funny gossip and realize that even though I'm going through the toughest year of my life, I truley am a very lucky girl who is very much in love.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Finished! Finito!
Yesterday, May 27th 2009 was the last day of Taxol, meaning the last day of CHEMO! Not only am I done with my second biggest battle of my life, but my hair is coming back. I have little fuzzies (kinda like a baby) on my head, that now seem to be a bit light, but will surely turn to dark hair. I can even see the outline of my hair! Can you see it?
When we got home from a long day, we arrived at the house and saw a huge sign that JB made for me (see below). Then walked inside to find the most beautiful flowers from my one and only: "Nathan."
32 Eggs!
Looking back on what’s happened since January, I always get tears in my eyes. So I typically try not to really dig deep into what happened. But sometimes I can’t help it and think about what I’ve done and how thankful I am for taking the bull by the horns, and just diving right in to the scariest time in my life.
Some don’t know this, but I have 32 half children. They live on Madison Avenue in New York City. In a freezer.
When I was diagnosed, my doctor said I would have to go through chemotherapy and radiation and it would be in my best interest if I had my eggs frozen in case the treatments affected my reproductive organs. So, I went through the grueling process of getting shots, blood work, ultrasounds, and finally egg removal. The things is…do you know how many eggs a woman produces in one month? One. Do you know how many I produced (with the help of Dr. Mukherjee at RMA)? 32! 32 viable eggs! Do you know what that did to my belly?
It made me look pregnant! Ick. It was horrible. The experience kinda sucked, but it was so worth it. And that’s the story of my 32 half children.
Some don’t know this, but I have 32 half children. They live on Madison Avenue in New York City. In a freezer.
When I was diagnosed, my doctor said I would have to go through chemotherapy and radiation and it would be in my best interest if I had my eggs frozen in case the treatments affected my reproductive organs. So, I went through the grueling process of getting shots, blood work, ultrasounds, and finally egg removal. The things is…do you know how many eggs a woman produces in one month? One. Do you know how many I produced (with the help of Dr. Mukherjee at RMA)? 32! 32 viable eggs! Do you know what that did to my belly?
It made me look pregnant! Ick. It was horrible. The experience kinda sucked, but it was so worth it. And that’s the story of my 32 half children.
I see the light at the end of this crazy tunnel
written on May 18, 2009
Hmmmm.. so, I’m trying to catch you up on what’s been happening in my life right? Well, so much. Justin, one of my buds from high school, keeps teasing me that I have no time for him anymore. That all my weekends are busy. It’s true!
I feel bad in a way, because I have the best family and friends. And those that are trying to make plans with me can’t. Because I seriously have things planned every weekend (when I don’t have chemo).
You know it’s funny. Because I go to a support group at Sloan Kettering and there are many wonderful, strong women there. But when they talk about their experience, it seems like it was such a life struggle. Like a dark cloud that lived over them for all that time. And yes, I can agree with that. But I truly feel as though because of the love and support of those so close to me (specifically Mommy, Dana, Nate, JB, my roomies from college, Justin, Becka, Gemma, Michele and Chris, and my roommate Amy), I have truly been able to see past this huge layer of cancer that’s been living in front of my face since January.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see my short-do hairstyles in August (hope to look like Natalie Portman with her little do). I see myself getting married. I see myself having children. I see my life ahead. And I’m just so excited to get it started!
Hmmmm.. so, I’m trying to catch you up on what’s been happening in my life right? Well, so much. Justin, one of my buds from high school, keeps teasing me that I have no time for him anymore. That all my weekends are busy. It’s true!
I feel bad in a way, because I have the best family and friends. And those that are trying to make plans with me can’t. Because I seriously have things planned every weekend (when I don’t have chemo).
You know it’s funny. Because I go to a support group at Sloan Kettering and there are many wonderful, strong women there. But when they talk about their experience, it seems like it was such a life struggle. Like a dark cloud that lived over them for all that time. And yes, I can agree with that. But I truly feel as though because of the love and support of those so close to me (specifically Mommy, Dana, Nate, JB, my roomies from college, Justin, Becka, Gemma, Michele and Chris, and my roommate Amy), I have truly been able to see past this huge layer of cancer that’s been living in front of my face since January.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see my short-do hairstyles in August (hope to look like Natalie Portman with her little do). I see myself getting married. I see myself having children. I see my life ahead. And I’m just so excited to get it started!
Hair? Where?
written on May 15, 2009Looked in the mirror today and noticed something fantastic.
Peach Fuzz!
My head is actually glistening, yet covered in a soft layer of blonde, cotton-like fuzz.
My hair is coming back baby!
Boat Cruise with my favorite girls
written on May 9, 2009
My roommate from college, Allison, is getting married to her long-time boyfriend Rick. Back in February, all of my roommates (Colleen, Meaghan, Katie, and myself) got an email from Rick stating he’d like to host a surprise boat cruise for all the girls in the wedding.
Back in February, this event seemed like a long-lost date plopped on the calendar. Now, it’s past. And it was SOOO fun. The funny thing is, it’s these events that have been able to make my chemo treatments bearable. With each chemo week, I always planned something at the end to look forward to. And this boat cruise was certainly something I couldn’t wait for!
So, the weekend came (Nate came with) and I put on my best “boating” outfit. Blonde wig, pearls, big hat – the girls kept calling me Kentucky Derby girl.
We had the best time! And looking back, I realize that making all these plans every weekend when I did not have chemo, is what made this process go so fast. That’s the trick – keep yourself busy!!! (And find a really hot, sweet guy to waste time with – I swear, he cures cancer!)
My roommate from college, Allison, is getting married to her long-time boyfriend Rick. Back in February, all of my roommates (Colleen, Meaghan, Katie, and myself) got an email from Rick stating he’d like to host a surprise boat cruise for all the girls in the wedding.
Back in February, this event seemed like a long-lost date plopped on the calendar. Now, it’s past. And it was SOOO fun. The funny thing is, it’s these events that have been able to make my chemo treatments bearable. With each chemo week, I always planned something at the end to look forward to. And this boat cruise was certainly something I couldn’t wait for!
So, the weekend came (Nate came with) and I put on my best “boating” outfit. Blonde wig, pearls, big hat – the girls kept calling me Kentucky Derby girl.
We had the best time! And looking back, I realize that making all these plans every weekend when I did not have chemo, is what made this process go so fast. That’s the trick – keep yourself busy!!! (And find a really hot, sweet guy to waste time with – I swear, he cures cancer!)
Lessons Learned
I was doing some thinking and wanted to share some of my lessons learned through this crazy and surreal experience. I really lived by these lessons and continue to do so now.
My lessons on how I've been learning how to deal with the Big C:
1. On weekends when you don’t have chemo, schedule something to do.
Schedule a lunch with a friend, dinner with your mom, anything. And when the time comes, if you don’t feel up to it, don’t go. But if you keep something on your calendar that you “need to get through the week” to do, you’ll do it. And it passes the time! And gets you excited!
2. Buy colorful wigs, earrings, scarves.
Try to either look like your old self, or try new things. I've had brown hair my whole life and have actually never dyed or highlighted my naturally brown/auburn hair. One of the first wigs I bought was blonde! I've worn it to parties, on a boat cruise and even to work!
3. Keep the negative information to a minimum. Don’t watch or read anything that has to do with cancer (unless it’s a self-help book/movie or given to you by your doctor).
Cancer is living right in front of your face day in and day out. Why over-read about everything? So many of the side effects and symptoms you read about you won't even experience. So why freak yourself out?
4. Don’t wear pajamas all the time. Get dressed.
Sometimes the more comfy you are, the more depressed you get. You feel sick! When I'm feeling like a human, I put makeup on and wear heels every chance I get. It just makes me feel like me!
5. Surround yourself with positive people.
Sometimes this is not always easy. Because if you work with people that are typically negative Nancy's or have a family that's not always so rosey, do what you can to watch chick-flicks that make you happy, get involved with people who ARE positive and are doing positive things. Can you join a knitting club? Take a painting class? Just do something that makes you feel good! Lucky for me, my family has been amazing.
6. Go to a support group. You need to talk about it.
Not all support groups are for you, but find one that is. I am involved in a support group at Sloan Kettering Hospital and personally see the good and the bad to it. There are some positive people there and some negative. For me, it's great to hear the positive outlooks and it's great to hear from women that are already 10 steps ahead of me. On the other hand, it's great to hear the negative things and feelings to justify why I feel a certain way. Or selfishly, to make myself feel better knowing that I don't feel like them.
7. Know this is only temporary. And keep reminding yourself about that.
Everytime I look in the mirror, or cry to my boyfriend in frustration that I have to go through this, his words always are: "Kar, this is only temporary." And it's true. The hair will grow back, the chemo won't be as often and your breasts won't be like your old ones, but they'll be better than they are right now. All of it is only temporary.
8. Have a glass of wine or some beer when you feel like it.
Sometimes it just helps AND makes you feel human again. You deserve it! I wouldn't suggest doing this right before or right after chemotherapy -- be sure to ask your doctor what's best.
9. Don’t forget who you are.
Having cancer does not make you a “cancer patient.” It still makes you you. It just makes you stronger, smarter and a survivor! Be proud of yourself for being able to get through this tough time. It's a struggle, it's hard, but you can do it!
10. Celebrate every small success.
Anything that’s positive at this time, is great! And celebrate it! Whether you have just finished you 4th chemo, and you know you're halfway done, or you saw your first fuzzy on your head - celebrate it. Just because you may have a much longer way to go, don't forget how far you've come.
11. Come up with a song, or two, or three.
Whenever I start to get down about what's happening, I think of the song my mom and I heard while watching The Devil Wears Prada one chemo weekend. The song is originally by Seal, called "Crazy" but was been re-done by Alanis Moorisette. The words are: "But we're never gonna survive...unless...we get a little crazy!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8DhqEJlhMU
When this song came on, my mom and I played it over and over and over and hugged and danced and thought it was soooo true! So anytime I get down and need a quick pick-me-up, I play this song on my ipod and jump and cry and realize that I have to get crazy to beat this!
Another story, was when I went for my petscan to check and see if I had cancer anywhere else in my body, they put you in this crazy apparatus and put earphones on you and play music. The first song that came on was "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel. So of course, it was that song that got me through a VERY scary examination.
And lastly, yesterday, I was taking a shower and put on my shower radio. The song by Natasha Bedingfield came on and I started singing and balling in the shower. It was the PERFECT song to hear before my LAST chemo treatment! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lFXy5bIiSA
12. Think of Samantha Jones.
For all you Sex and the City watchers out there, think of her. I know she never really had cancer, she's a character. But even when Samantha did her speech at the cancer benefit, she looked fabulous - but had a hot flash and ripped off her wig. I just think of all the times she looked hot and fabulous and kept her composure and was still herself. Hey, she even got a really hot boyfriend who shaved his head with her! Hmmm...sounds familiar! Thanks Nate the Great. xoxox
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKB5RcpwCac
13. How are you? You're FINE.
People ask you all the time how you are feeling and you typically say "ok" or "hanging in there." Right? Well, what should you tell them? That you are struggling, tired, fighting for your life? No one wants to hear that.
So, I was at my support group a couple weeks ago and we discussed what you should say to people. They said say "FINE." It stands for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Exhausted. Well, that pretty much captures it. :)
14. Bring your own blanket, pillow and socks to chemo.
Hey, if you're going to be there for 3+ hours, you might as well be comfortable!
15. Only think in the present. Don't overwhelm yourself.
If you try to think too far away (Ok, now chemo's over, but I have surgery, radiation, then herceptin for 1 year, then tamoxifen for 5 years, then...then..then..), you will get overwhelmed. Just get through each day and look forward to the exciting things like being in your best friends' wedding, or visiting your boyfriends new nephew Kevin!
Well, I hope these lessons give you an insight as to how I've been able to keep my head up during this sad, frustrating and crazy time in my life. And if they help anyone in anyway, this blog is all the worth it!
My lessons on how I've been learning how to deal with the Big C:
1. On weekends when you don’t have chemo, schedule something to do.
Schedule a lunch with a friend, dinner with your mom, anything. And when the time comes, if you don’t feel up to it, don’t go. But if you keep something on your calendar that you “need to get through the week” to do, you’ll do it. And it passes the time! And gets you excited!
2. Buy colorful wigs, earrings, scarves.
Try to either look like your old self, or try new things. I've had brown hair my whole life and have actually never dyed or highlighted my naturally brown/auburn hair. One of the first wigs I bought was blonde! I've worn it to parties, on a boat cruise and even to work!
3. Keep the negative information to a minimum. Don’t watch or read anything that has to do with cancer (unless it’s a self-help book/movie or given to you by your doctor).
Cancer is living right in front of your face day in and day out. Why over-read about everything? So many of the side effects and symptoms you read about you won't even experience. So why freak yourself out?
4. Don’t wear pajamas all the time. Get dressed.
Sometimes the more comfy you are, the more depressed you get. You feel sick! When I'm feeling like a human, I put makeup on and wear heels every chance I get. It just makes me feel like me!
5. Surround yourself with positive people.
Sometimes this is not always easy. Because if you work with people that are typically negative Nancy's or have a family that's not always so rosey, do what you can to watch chick-flicks that make you happy, get involved with people who ARE positive and are doing positive things. Can you join a knitting club? Take a painting class? Just do something that makes you feel good! Lucky for me, my family has been amazing.
6. Go to a support group. You need to talk about it.
Not all support groups are for you, but find one that is. I am involved in a support group at Sloan Kettering Hospital and personally see the good and the bad to it. There are some positive people there and some negative. For me, it's great to hear the positive outlooks and it's great to hear from women that are already 10 steps ahead of me. On the other hand, it's great to hear the negative things and feelings to justify why I feel a certain way. Or selfishly, to make myself feel better knowing that I don't feel like them.
7. Know this is only temporary. And keep reminding yourself about that.
Everytime I look in the mirror, or cry to my boyfriend in frustration that I have to go through this, his words always are: "Kar, this is only temporary." And it's true. The hair will grow back, the chemo won't be as often and your breasts won't be like your old ones, but they'll be better than they are right now. All of it is only temporary.
8. Have a glass of wine or some beer when you feel like it.
Sometimes it just helps AND makes you feel human again. You deserve it! I wouldn't suggest doing this right before or right after chemotherapy -- be sure to ask your doctor what's best.
9. Don’t forget who you are.
Having cancer does not make you a “cancer patient.” It still makes you you. It just makes you stronger, smarter and a survivor! Be proud of yourself for being able to get through this tough time. It's a struggle, it's hard, but you can do it!
10. Celebrate every small success.
Anything that’s positive at this time, is great! And celebrate it! Whether you have just finished you 4th chemo, and you know you're halfway done, or you saw your first fuzzy on your head - celebrate it. Just because you may have a much longer way to go, don't forget how far you've come.
11. Come up with a song, or two, or three.
Whenever I start to get down about what's happening, I think of the song my mom and I heard while watching The Devil Wears Prada one chemo weekend. The song is originally by Seal, called "Crazy" but was been re-done by Alanis Moorisette. The words are: "But we're never gonna survive...unless...we get a little crazy!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8DhqEJlhMU
When this song came on, my mom and I played it over and over and over and hugged and danced and thought it was soooo true! So anytime I get down and need a quick pick-me-up, I play this song on my ipod and jump and cry and realize that I have to get crazy to beat this!
Another story, was when I went for my petscan to check and see if I had cancer anywhere else in my body, they put you in this crazy apparatus and put earphones on you and play music. The first song that came on was "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel. So of course, it was that song that got me through a VERY scary examination.
And lastly, yesterday, I was taking a shower and put on my shower radio. The song by Natasha Bedingfield came on and I started singing and balling in the shower. It was the PERFECT song to hear before my LAST chemo treatment! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lFXy5bIiSA
12. Think of Samantha Jones.
For all you Sex and the City watchers out there, think of her. I know she never really had cancer, she's a character. But even when Samantha did her speech at the cancer benefit, she looked fabulous - but had a hot flash and ripped off her wig. I just think of all the times she looked hot and fabulous and kept her composure and was still herself. Hey, she even got a really hot boyfriend who shaved his head with her! Hmmm...sounds familiar! Thanks Nate the Great. xoxox
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKB5RcpwCac
13. How are you? You're FINE.
People ask you all the time how you are feeling and you typically say "ok" or "hanging in there." Right? Well, what should you tell them? That you are struggling, tired, fighting for your life? No one wants to hear that.
So, I was at my support group a couple weeks ago and we discussed what you should say to people. They said say "FINE." It stands for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Exhausted. Well, that pretty much captures it. :)
14. Bring your own blanket, pillow and socks to chemo.
Hey, if you're going to be there for 3+ hours, you might as well be comfortable!
15. Only think in the present. Don't overwhelm yourself.
If you try to think too far away (Ok, now chemo's over, but I have surgery, radiation, then herceptin for 1 year, then tamoxifen for 5 years, then...then..then..), you will get overwhelmed. Just get through each day and look forward to the exciting things like being in your best friends' wedding, or visiting your boyfriends new nephew Kevin!
Well, I hope these lessons give you an insight as to how I've been able to keep my head up during this sad, frustrating and crazy time in my life. And if they help anyone in anyway, this blog is all the worth it!
Monday, May 11, 2009
My new room at Sloan Kettering
Wednesday, January 14, 2009.
Bilateral (Double) Mastectomy.
12 Lymph Nodes removed on the left side.
5 Lymph Nodes removed on the right side.
My new bedroom for the next couple of days was a busy one. There were people in and out, my mom sleeping on a chair, and drains and plugs all hooked into my arms and breasts. But the most uncomfortable of all, the nurse. She was a blonde nightmare. The poor girl next to me (she had some kind of stomach cancer) was puking every 5 minutes. And the nurse would come in and yell to her, "How ya doing honey?" How do you think she was doing? The poor thing couldn't keep down a glass of water! Ugh. Everytime she came in, my mom said the corners of my mouth would go down. I became tense and disturbed. She was so loud, she didn't know my name and was simply impatient and harsh.
Bilateral (Double) Mastectomy.
12 Lymph Nodes removed on the left side.
5 Lymph Nodes removed on the right side.
My new bedroom for the next couple of days was a busy one. There were people in and out, my mom sleeping on a chair, and drains and plugs all hooked into my arms and breasts. But the most uncomfortable of all, the nurse. She was a blonde nightmare. The poor girl next to me (she had some kind of stomach cancer) was puking every 5 minutes. And the nurse would come in and yell to her, "How ya doing honey?" How do you think she was doing? The poor thing couldn't keep down a glass of water! Ugh. Everytime she came in, my mom said the corners of my mouth would go down. I became tense and disturbed. She was so loud, she didn't know my name and was simply impatient and harsh.
But I can't keep ranting on this nurse, or I might have a meltdown right here.
Anyhow...so staying in the hospital was certainly an experience. I had never stayed overnight before and am hoping I'll never have to again. The hospital itself is amazing! Doctors, amazing! Treatment, amazing! (Nurse, not so great). But again, Sloan Kettering, amazing!
Plus, my friends and family were always there. Mommy and Dana slept over alternating nights. I had visitors, flowers, and more visitors. My phone was ringing off the hook so much, that on the last day, we actually asked no one to come because I couldn't stay asleep -- I didn't want to miss anything!
Once I was feeling up to it, we took some rounds around the floor and met some other people who had surgery that week. Everyone just kept saying, "but you're so young. Oh my gosh. You're so young! How old are you?" Ugh; I know!!! We came across this woman who asked if I wanted to join the "Look Good, Feel Good" meeting later in the afternoon. At first, I was hesitant to go. She was a beautiful, older, Park Avenue-looking lady who seemed a bit snobby on the outside. She was the one to teach all of the women who underwent breast cancer surgery (lumpectomy/mastectomy) how to apply makeup. I was thinking, "Ugh. All I need is this be-otch telling me how to apply foundation on my skin, when I just had the most horrific thing happen to me."
Again, I hesitated. But thought I might as well learn something. After 2 minutes, I was so happy I went. I met wonderful, strong, women who were going through what I went through. Who were older than me, but just as scared. The Park Avenue lady began speaking and she suddenly became an angel to me.
She spoke of her experience with cancer and how she was a dancer on Broadway and continued to dance throughout her whole treatment. She said, "Girls, you put some makeup on and a wig and you get out there and live!"
And that's exactly what I've been doing.
Blonde, black, short, long, layered, bob, you name it, I wear it. I've never had so many compliments on my hair in my life!
Yeah, well, I wore lipstick to my mastectomy too.
Ever hear of that book and movie called "Why I wore red lipstick to my mastectomy."? I've never read it and actually never even heard of it until after my mastectomy. But I too, wore lipstick to mine; except I think it was more of a lighter pink. I was wearing jeans, a pink sweater and silver, slip-on Converse sneakers.
I remember waking up the morning of my surgery and thinking, "Huh, so my body is never going to look like this ever again. Weird." And then my eyes filled with tears, I got freaked out and pushed it right out of my mind. I just kept thinking this surgery is something I HAVE to do, and it will cure me; and afterwards, the cancer will be officially and technically removed.
I felt like a robot. I was putting on makeup, watching the early morning news, and even curled my hair. To go to my mastectomy!
We arrived and it all just felt like a simple robotic motion. Ok, so change into this gown. Done. Wait in the waiting room until we call you (but make sure you wear these little booties on your feet and shower cap). Done. The looks on my mom's face, Dana's face, and The Great's face, were scary. They were all white in the face and nervous. I was the only one smiling, with pink lipstick on my lips of course.
Next thing I knew, I walked into the operating room. THAT was the weirdest part. Shouldn't they have wheeled me in? Or carried me, or something? You don't just WALK into surgery? For a double mastectomy!?!? Do you? Part of me thought it would look a little like the Nip/Tuck OR; but unfortunately neither the doctors nor the room lived up to my expectations.
However, the nurse held my hand the whole time they were getting me ready and asked all about my favorite alcoholic drink (dirty martini with extra olives, I answered). I couldn't understand why until I felt the anesthesia kick in and she said, "Feeling drunk?" And the next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room asking for my mommy.
I remember waking up the morning of my surgery and thinking, "Huh, so my body is never going to look like this ever again. Weird." And then my eyes filled with tears, I got freaked out and pushed it right out of my mind. I just kept thinking this surgery is something I HAVE to do, and it will cure me; and afterwards, the cancer will be officially and technically removed.
I felt like a robot. I was putting on makeup, watching the early morning news, and even curled my hair. To go to my mastectomy!
We arrived and it all just felt like a simple robotic motion. Ok, so change into this gown. Done. Wait in the waiting room until we call you (but make sure you wear these little booties on your feet and shower cap). Done. The looks on my mom's face, Dana's face, and The Great's face, were scary. They were all white in the face and nervous. I was the only one smiling, with pink lipstick on my lips of course.
Next thing I knew, I walked into the operating room. THAT was the weirdest part. Shouldn't they have wheeled me in? Or carried me, or something? You don't just WALK into surgery? For a double mastectomy!?!? Do you? Part of me thought it would look a little like the Nip/Tuck OR; but unfortunately neither the doctors nor the room lived up to my expectations.
However, the nurse held my hand the whole time they were getting me ready and asked all about my favorite alcoholic drink (dirty martini with extra olives, I answered). I couldn't understand why until I felt the anesthesia kick in and she said, "Feeling drunk?" And the next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room asking for my mommy.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
What's everyone crying about?
Obviously no one wants breast cancer. But if you have it, you might as well make the best out of it. At least that's what my sister and I were planning to do.
As soon as we found out when the surgery was going to take place, my sister got on the phone with several bars in Hoboken and booked a spot to party.
So many of my closest friends drove through a snow storm to make it, and we had a blast! Even my "twegger" from Brooklyn came along!
I can't thank my friends and family enough for all of their smiles and support through all of this. I love you all!
Sunnyside up?
Given the fact that I will be going for treatment (chemo and radiation), the doctor advised me to have my eggs frozen in order to save these good lookin' genes.
So, day by day, the successes I've been celebrating are the fact that my body is doing as it should and I'm making the starts of little babes in my oven. Once they're ready to go, I will have them stored in a facility where my mom jokes about visiting her little "grandchildren."
Lunch with the boys
It hit me pretty hard when 3 of my favorite Pequannock boys were standing in my mom's kitchen waiting to take me out to lunch at the Pompton Queen Diner.
They drove me out to eat, and we met my other friends with their girlfriends. For moments at a time, it felt like we all just went for a bite to eat. But as soon as I forgot for that moment, seconds later, I remembered I had breast cancer. And that's why we were out to eat.
Red heels and the cute, dorky doctor
Once the cancer had been confirmed, there were a slew of doctor appointments to come. So, I promised myself that for each appointment, I would dress up, as though I was going somewhere fun.
The day of my MRI, I curled my hair, wore my tight jeans, a black shirt, red heels, red lipstick, ruby chandelier earrings and matching bracelet with my red scarf. Once I was brought back to change into my gown for the exam, I realized something funny. I had to walk around in only the gown and my red heels! I felt like such a hoochie!
So, I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor and in he comes with his cute girl assistant. The doctor was probably just 30 years old, dark hair, glasses. Very cute, but very nerdy. The procedure included putting a marker onto the tumor location of my breast. When he walked in the room, he immediately started speaking nervously and asked if I wanted to place the marker on my breast, or if he should.
Looking behind him, I knew he was nervous; he didn't shut the door! Which I thought was funny. I asked if we could close the door as "not to give the rest of the hospital a show." We all giggled. He then reaches down to put the marker on my breast, and I noticed his hand was shaking and all I kept thinking was, this was his job and he's nervous because of me! hahaha
The cute girl assistant could see what was happening and she gave me a funny look as the two of us made the connection of the red lipstick, red heels and nervous dorky doctor.
The day of my MRI, I curled my hair, wore my tight jeans, a black shirt, red heels, red lipstick, ruby chandelier earrings and matching bracelet with my red scarf. Once I was brought back to change into my gown for the exam, I realized something funny. I had to walk around in only the gown and my red heels! I felt like such a hoochie!
So, I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor and in he comes with his cute girl assistant. The doctor was probably just 30 years old, dark hair, glasses. Very cute, but very nerdy. The procedure included putting a marker onto the tumor location of my breast. When he walked in the room, he immediately started speaking nervously and asked if I wanted to place the marker on my breast, or if he should.
Looking behind him, I knew he was nervous; he didn't shut the door! Which I thought was funny. I asked if we could close the door as "not to give the rest of the hospital a show." We all giggled. He then reaches down to put the marker on my breast, and I noticed his hand was shaking and all I kept thinking was, this was his job and he's nervous because of me! hahaha
The cute girl assistant could see what was happening and she gave me a funny look as the two of us made the connection of the red lipstick, red heels and nervous dorky doctor.
My Tata Story
On December 12, 2008, I became another statistic. A woman with breast cancer, but at the age of 26.
Leading up to this date, I spoke with a friend who had a lump in her breast, got it checked out and it was nothing; I ran into a friend from college who had been diagnosed with testicular cancer at the age of 29; and I continued to have dreams about my Mema who had only passed away two months before. Cancer was all too close to my heart.
One day, I felt something that seemed a bit unfamiliar. So I went to the OBGYN and the doctor said, "Well, this doesn't seem like anything. But due to your family history (Mema), let's have it checked out."
Next thing I knew, I was in for an ultrasound. The radiologist saying, "This really doesn't seem like anything. But perhaps we should do a biopsy."
In a few short days, I was getting results from this biopsy that I had stage 1 cancer in my left breast. At the age of 26.
Then on December 12, I was at my office, just about to help with wrapping Christimas gifts for homeless families during lunchtime when I found out. Moments after the words were uttered from my doctor, I started crying and then stopped, and made a decision. I was going to fight this and not cry, not get upset, but make a conscious decision to beat the heck out of cancer with a smile on my face, lipstick on my lips and heels on my feet. I would not feel like a cancer patient, but just Kara, with a temporary disease.
So here's my story of how I beat breast cancer.
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